A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship". The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat". The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft". Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anaesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. "Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. "The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle." "Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?" "The fellow in the next bed over will give you a good price for your boots."
A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic. So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson. After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine. He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads. He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished. He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends. Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed. "Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks. "Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?" "For doing it all through the exhaust."
A guy is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $50,000 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,500,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."
A liitle guy is sitting in a bar staring at his drink for over an hour. A big ugly biker walks up to the bar, takes the little guys drink and gulps it down. Then looks at the little guy as if to say now what you going to do about it. The little guy starts to cry. The big guy say's," Ah now I didn't mean to make you cry, I hate to see a man cry." The little guy starts to explain,"I woke up late this morning missed an important meeting, my boss fired me. Went to the parking lot to find somebody stole my car, had no Insurance. Left my wallet in the cab I took home, found my wife in bed with another man, and my dog bit me. I came in here trying to get up the courage to kill myself, and now you went and drank the damn potion."
A cop is staking out the Biker´s Pub & Caffe for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?" The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. They enter and the young man notices there are dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, so he makes a note to not say a word. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
There's a fellow who is an avid rider. Actually he's a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend of motorcycle riding in years. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up very early and goes meets his buddies for a nice long ride. On this one morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his riding gear out of the closet, and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave. While out there it started raining a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 40 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the Weather Channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his bike back into the garage and comes back inside. He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding his bike today?"
Why Motorcycles are better than women:
Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
You don't have to pay alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike more enjoyable.
Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Airbag jacket funnies:
A traditional motorcycle jacket can be a dangerous piece of clothing!
Low-cost motorcycle airbag :-)
She probably does not need an airbag vest...
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Airbag vest in the bird fauna...
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